No digo cosas para decirlos...i love you, take it or leave it.

"At first, I didn’t. But then, I looked back at the screen, those images moving across it, and realized he was right. The past did affect the present and the future, in the way you could see and a million ones you couldn’t. Time wasn’t a thing you could divide easily; there was no defined middle or beginning or end. I could pretend to leave the past behind, but it would not leave me.”

Just one of those books... the one where you'll fold a page during math lecture, underline a phrase during those insufferable IOPs, or highlight page after page through vigoa's bitch attacks. It's one of those books that has my head spinning from the first line to that last. I literally walked around these past two days in a completely different world, and it was one of the most refreshing experiences I’ve had in a while. It’d been some time since I’d let myself fall into the mode where I isolate from the world I’m living in and get placed in an alternate reality where I can’t stop thinking. What I’m feeling, what I am, where I’m standing and the ground my feet are supposedly planted firmly on.. it all got questioned. A million and a half questions.. or wait what is it… 21 questions? Page after page, I connected so much with the main character, it scared me. I felt each pain she did, I teared everytime she brought up that son of a bitch, I literally got sick to my stomach in the chapters she did too. And I can’t help but wonder if I’m so freaked because, the me I’m being… the state I’m in… was so easily sprawled out on pages for the entire world to see… to read. It’s not me, it’s Annabel, but at the same time, reading some of those lines cut more than half the things I’ve gone through. When she spoke about honesty, and how no matter how she tries there are times where she can’t spit the words out, and instead holds them in. Damn it… everything just rushed out of me. Between that and the fact that I hate my grades, the stress from IB, trying to balance being a good student and a friend that’s there for hers… I just freaked. No, I didn’t freak… I cried. And cried. Really, really cried. Honestly? The last time I cried was that night in May’s car where I had the biggest melt down of my life. Never, ever in my 17 years of living have I ever managed to let what I was feeling out like that. And to this very moment, when I think about myself sitting in the passagenger seat, screaming at the top of my lungs, looking at may for answers or something… and just seeing tears role down her cheeks too, I can’t help but start up again. I know what I am, I know I’m a fighter. I know you all see me as this girl with the toughest skin who can get through everything and anything that’s put, and has been put, in her way. I am. I can do it, and I probably always will.
But there are days… days like today, where all of the anger I “let go” of, and all of those tears I’d forgotten about… where what I say and what I’m doing with my life just can’t stay in… and those super strong walls I have built… and those barriers I’ve put up just crumble with an intensity that shakes me to the very core. Honestly, all of today my body was like preparing me for it. Every page I read, I got a little sicker, my stomach hurt a little more, my head felt a little more pressure and my world and vision of it blurred along with it. And now that it’s all out, now that I’ve cried, and am crying…let me tell you what I’m crying about.
I’m crying for me. I’m crying for the shit I’ve gone through, I’m crying for the tests I’ve failed and pretended to be okay with. I’m crying for the fear of not succeeding in life and not doing half of what I want to do.. what I’m destined to do, what I’m capable of doing. I’m crying because as many times as people have told me that I’m a beautiful and amazing girl, both inside and out, I still haven’t found the one to tell me that. I’m crying for what I don’t know, and all the things I do. I’m crying for you. I’m crying for those nights where I couldn’t find a single fucking word to say to console Desi because on the other end, I was trying so hard to keep inside what was bothering me in an attempt to not upset her even more. I’m crying for those days where I couldn’t look at andrea, and for those moments up to this day where I do, and it still hurts. I’m crying for adri and the shit she’s gone through, but more for what might happen to her if she doesn’t figure out where she’s going and finally makes a final decision about things. I’m crying for may and that fucker who did that… the ONE person who doesn’t deserve to feel anything CLOSE to what I’ve felt, and damn it… it happens to her too. I’m crying for all the shit I’m crying for, and not stopping myself from crying since there are people out there with worse issues. I’m crying because I haven’t cried in such a long time, and as much as I’m trying I can’t stop. And I’m crying because people never see me cry like this… because if they did, I don’t think they’d see nikki, or niks, or nikkster… they’d see Nicole.
I’m crying because I have so much homework to do, and I haven’t even started.
Because this book, as ridiculous as it sounds, has made me cry this much.

Thank you, Sarah Dessen.